As a church we are fasting for 21 days. I decided to fast from TV. That may seem silly to you but there are many times that I feel God tugging on my heart asking me to be with Him, and I'll choose to watch TV instead. Other times I know I am tired and need to go to bed, the children are fast asleep and I will get good rest.....but again I do the opposite and choose to stay up and binge watch TV, which only leaves me to be one grouchy hot tempered woman the next day.
I chose to fast from TV because I know my weakness lies there. I choose to watch TV during the kids nap time because it's a mindless activity. I always choose the stupidest of TV shows, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Teen Mom, Awkward.....these shows to me are just garbage. But, they don't require me to think at all. I simply watch and let my mind unwind from everything that pulled me in every direction that day. TV is how I unwind, it's how I relax and let all the stressors go from the day. -----------here's the catcher-------------when did I let TV replace my God? When did I choose to let TV be my relaxer over my Jesus? What kept me choosing TV over a relationship with the One who made me? So, fasting from TV was the best choice for the 21 day fast. I'm on day 5, and well, I was disappointed with myself each night I went to bed. Because I hadn't really even spent much time with God....when you fast you're supposed to give up something that consumes you to then replace that something with God.....that way you let God be the thing that consumes you. Well, so far I'd done pretty awesome at not watching TV, I was actually really proud of myself for not giving in.....even though one night I was surely walking the line and teetering way to close to picking up my iPad and catching up with the Kardashians. But simply not watching TV isn't enough, yes that's what the goal is in fasting, but that was only 1/2 the goal. Since Monday I had hardly spent time with God. Instead of watching TV I spent my time focused on my business, getting organized, planning, watching Younique presenters talk about how to be successful. I feel amazing about the plan I have set out for my business, I feel like this year is going to be the best one yet and I'm thankful that God has given me all the resources and information to help grow my business. But......my heart was still heavy........I wanted God. I needed God. I need God. Every night before bed I plan out my next day, down to every half hour.....and starting Monday (the first day of the fast) I scheduled a 7am wake up time, exercise, breakfast and then God time. Shamefully, that never happened. Each night the kids were up all hours of the night, like ridiculous amounts of my night was not spent sleeping. Some how the kids decided to wake up at different hours throughout the night from 2am-6am. But come 6am they were both ready to sleep til 10. So needless to say, when they finally slept.....momma bear did too. I'd wake up and rush to start the day.....breakfast then lunch then naps then cleaning then errands......there was no time for God. But, there was. Each morning I felt this tug to stay awake.....not to fall back to sleep when the kids did. Sometimes I felt that tug at 2am, every time I pushed it off and said, "But God I really need my sleep." Which was true, yes, I did need my sleep; but God can be my rest and my energy. Finally Friday morning, today, I felt that tug at 6am.....and I followed it. God's love is the sweetest of loves I have ever tasted. Why do I go without Him for so long? Why do I ignore something or someone that gives me the greatest freedom? I had my coffee and sat on the couch, unsure of where to start......what verse do I look up? I heard "Be still." Which then led me to look up and figure out what verse was the 'be still and know that I am God' verse. It's in Psalms (still don't know which verse) but on my way to that verse I felt the urge to read the page I was on. Psalm 69. -----------Let me stop by saying that God is an amazing God he works in the most mysterious of ways, just when you think you're getting off track, God shows you you're in the right place---------I started reading and then just had to stop, my heart wasn't fully there. I was missing something. I was missing that burn, I was missing that awoken spirit. I just felt like singing.....my heart wanted to sing to God. I wanted to sing to the Holy Spirit and awaken Him within me. I pulled up my Youtube app and found the song Holy Spirit-by Jesus Culture and played it. I sang along in my head for the first two lines....but felt like I really wanted to sing out loud. I was embarrassed though, sing out loud?!? Sing out loud to a song thats turned down so low I could hardly hear it? If I sang out loud I'd surely wake the kids.......but something made me want to lift my voice. So, I did. I felt so awkward at first then stopped focusing on my feelings and shifted my thoughts to the beautiful words of the song. Next thing I know my heart is fully engaged, my hands are lifted and I am worshiping God, I am inviting the Holy Spirit into my heart into my house into my morning. God's presence is the sweetest of things. And in this moment of praising God, he showed me so much about myself. Why feel awkward, why should I feel silly sitting by myself and singing and lifting my hands to Heaven, why feel embarrassed by giving the signal to let God know I am ready for him to come down and fill me? God loves me just the way I am. He created me perfectly in my mother's womb. He doesn't care how I praise Him, just that I praise Him. All praise to Him is beautiful. I was now fully consumed in God's glory. I felt Him, I was held in his arms as I cried and asked him to help me love myself. That was my problem, and that has been my problem all along. I hate who I am. I am disappointed in my lack of self-control and I take that disappointment out of my family. WOW! Seriously God, way to start this morning off! But I had to chuckle, this is God, and He is real, and this is the thing He wants to teach me. Even if it takes early morning singing, God will speak to you if you invite Him and and give Him the time. I've struggled for years with self-esteem. And it dates back to my very very very early childhood....my parents divorce. The constant fighting, the constant hatred towards each other....pulling at me left and right like I was a doll. Forcing me to choose sides in the situation....I was 4 years old when they split. I remember so much, so much of that nasty disaster still impacts me today. I was fed so much at such an early age. My father left because my mother and I weren't good enough. He left for another woman that he loved more than he would ever love me. ------whether what I just typed is accurate or not, I do hold it as a truth in my heart. And this is where my insecurities came from, and they started at age 4. So God has a lot of work to do in me. I haven't felt good in my own skin since I was a child. I have never felt good enough for anyone or anything. I guess that's why I'm so sensitive when people get angry with me, and I guess that's why I feel like most of the time people look down on me and talk down to me. I don't know what it's like to even have two parents that truly worship me. Or maybe I do have two parents that truly worship me.....but the words and actions I was fed as a child prevents me from that. I have a great relationship with my father and mother now.....I cherish my time with them both. But, most of the time I do feel like the black sheep of the family, and I always question my dad's love. I wonder if this hug he is giving me is real, it feels so warm and loving but can he truly love me? My time with my mom is much the same....I couldn't ask for a better best friend in life, but does she see me as a failure, does she see me as the reason they split up? I was too rowdy, I was uncontrollable as a child, and that is why my dad left and stayed gone right?!? So God is powerful, and He will work on me. He will not let me down. I live in his hope and his forgiveness. And I am asking for His hand in helping show me who I truly am. How I am looked at by his eyes, am I a failure and can I possibly be loved by Him if I feel even my own earthly father couldn't love me. Being a mother and having a great husband father our children I know that my parents loved me.....but after feeling the opposite for so many years.....it's truly hard to fully believe I am loved. God. Jesus. Those names alone, said softly, said loudly, said with power.....they will heal. It's been one heck of a journey, but I know in this moment, this morning, my time with Jesus......He loves me. And I am beautiful, I am loved. His presence is all I need. His love is the sweetest of loves. So in this fasting I pray and ask that He please bring me to love myself and know love from my family. I need this power to awaken within me, because I want my two children to grow up the opposite of me. I want them to grow up know both their parents would be empty without them. I want my children to walk in presence of God all the days of their lives, not finding him after the trials. But I want my children to live the most fulfilled lives possible.....I know I can give them that with God's help. That is why he made me a mother. God, you are good. I love knowing these truths, I love knowing that God made me a mother for this reason.......but it's also scary. Knowing I've got a long way to go, but it's refreshing knowing that I have The One who created me by my side every step of the way. I am here in this place now, but with God he has promised me that I will not remain here. He see's me where I am and promises to take me to better places. His love is the greatest. God. I am thankful to have you in my life. I am thankful for the time we had together this morning. Please help me be filled with you. Please God make me into the woman you designed me to be. Make me into the mother and wife you have me here on this earth for. I am in love with you Lord.
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Well, this week with two baby Donkers in the house has been......almost awful.
Little Miss is not listening or obeying in any way shape or form! She is completely defiant and I'm losing my mind chasing after her as she looks me in my face and does the things I specifically told her not to do. I feel like my husband is no help at all, he tries to hide the smile on his face when I'm trying to be stern with her and get her to understand she's being bad. He just looks at me as says, "She knows how to get me." Well, she's getting me too, but she's rubbing me the wrong way!! So, that just adds to her fuel and she continues to do wrongful things because she knows daddy will back her up. Wait, I'm actually really upset about that. He needs to be a parent and not a best friend, you can be both at one time, but the parent role and disciplinarian must always be first. I want a well behaved child that listens and obeys. I'm struggling inside these four walls of this house. Then, my little man is fussy fussy. He's just used to being with me and near me and having me wear him in the carrier.....so now when I go to put him down he's like WAHH DONT PUT ME DOWN. I talked to the pediatrician about it, and she said I could just let him cry, don't go extreme amounts and let him cry for an hour but see if he can learn to soothe himself. Well, this experiment has gone.......stressfully. I hate hearing my little man cry. But, I just have to keep reminding myself that he was just fed, just changed and just played with....it is now his time to be self soothed. Lawd, is that hard! On top of all this maddness, I'm fighting my mind, praying that God help my depression and anxiety stay away. While cooking every ones meal, while breastfeeding on demand, while cleaning the house, while doing all the laundry. Shoo....and hubby thinks being a stay-at-home mom is easy. It'll drive you crazy some weeks. It's 100% worth it.....but there some times comes those weeks when it looks like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But prayer and God have gotten me through my crazy life thus far and I know they will get me through this part as well.....it's refreshing to know I have something so strong to stand on. What would I do without my Rock? What would I do without my God?!? I'm inspired by God, I am fulfilled by God, I am loved by God and I am delighted to be one of God's children. We started the day with my dad and stepmom and went to Smithfield's Farmers Market. The morning was nice and relaxing, just leisurely strolling through the town.
Came home just in time for a quick nap. Then we were back out for Western Branch Baptist's Trunk or Treat. It was very small so we then traveled to Pam's house hit up the church near her house and the block surrounding her home. Little Miss got a TON of candy.....which she gladly said she wouldn't eat and would like to trade it in for a toy!! 👏🏻👏🏻 Thas' my gurl!! Little Man had been great all day, but threw up a lot and finally tonight, after his midnight feeding.....he threw up almost everything he's just ate. So I'm going to keep an eye on him, this is getting worse. I am beyond blessed to have the little girl I have, she is smart, funny, caring, thankful, and full of joy! She always amazes me with how smart and funny she is. I am just hoping I am as good of a mom as she deserves. And I'm praying that I can speak words of life to her and that when I speak, she hears Jesus! On the way home tonight after all the festivities, I asked her if she was hungry. She said, "Yes. My belly is talking to me a lot!" So I responded with, "O really, what is your belly saying?!" "It wants Pizza with pepperoni and chocolate," she said in the most serious tone. 😂👏🏻👍🏻 My girl never ceases to amaze me 😍 Of course after that conversation, I had to get her belly some pizza 🍕😝 our little bundle of joy is one month old today 🤓
Hard to believe it's been that long since I birthed him into life, it feels like it was just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital. He's been quite the handful. I didn't expect him to be anything like his sister was as a baby....but then again she's all I had known. So when he cried all night I was lost. When he cried during the day because.......well we are still figuring out why he cries sometimes. It's been fun, it's been a struggle, it's been real. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He's my little man, he's my bundle of joy, his little baby face just lifts my spirits. He's really a great baby. He's been so calm as I take him out and about to different festivities for his sister to enjoy. Although, he HATES the car seat. And I do mean HATE. He screams like he's being punched, and cut wide open when I put him in his seat. It's hell to hear, it makes my skin crawl because there's nothing I can do to calm him.....and not being able to calm your baby hurts. But once we are down the road he quiets....if he's not asleep he screams when we stop the car like at a red light or stop sign. O. It's sad. 😖😟. His night time sleeping has also been a journey of new things. He hated the swing we saved from my daughter, hated the bassinet....screamed like he was being pricked and probed. Only slept when I held him, it took a $100 swing (Thank you Matt, you're a lifesaver😘) to calm him and for us to realize he prefers to sleep on his stomach. Shoo. This month as been a mess of experiments. 🤔😏😋 My best times with him are the mornings. His 5 am feeding I usually lay him beside me and let him nurse...we both fall asleep and then wake up about an hour later and he nurses the other side and back to sleep we fall nessled together. We've had this routine since his birth.....just last night I thought I should stop this and let him sleep fully on his own at night before this become became a bad habit. Mer. Too late. 🙄 O well for now, I'll worry about habits later and just enjoy my little man 💙 The best part about not being pregnant is.........running!
When you are pregnant and running it's just......... you constantly feel like you have to pee, you're watching your heart rate making sure it doesn't get too high, your feet hurt, your legs hurt and sometimes you feel like your baby is just gonna drop right on out of you. Running just isn't as pleasurable when you are pregnant! Little man is now three weeks old and I have been feeling ready to go. I'm ready to exercise. I'm ready to start running again!!! My mind, and I think my body, are ready...so I did a workout video a few days ago and everything felt OK so I decided to go for a run yesterday. It was the greatest feeling!!! It was wonderful! I was on a runners high again! Running was blissful! It was peaceful! It was lifting! It was wonderful! Running is so much better when you're not pregnant! I looked at my heart rate, it hit 190, I didn't have to freak out and slow down. I was able to push myself. I was able to run out the voices in my head that said 'it's time to slow down, you're going to far,' it was just wonderful....pushing past all of the beginners pain and then getting to that point where you just feel alive while running, BLISSFUL! I didn't feel like I had to pee the whole time. My body just moved and it flowed...my feet hit the pavement and with such a rhythmic tone...I am in love with running! I am so thankful I'm not pregnant so that I can enjoy running again. Enough blogging for now.....off to another run. |